6 Traits We Learned About Toxic Masculinity From Mannie
Meet Mannie Thomas III — the co-executive director at Success Stories. Mannie shares his experience of how violence became his primary response to conflict and complex emotions and the transformational journey that led him to teach feminist workshops to support formerly incarcerated men who have caused harm.
Regardless of your background, family, culture, race, and age, most men, and all people for that matter learn the same rules about masculinity. Each and every day, we are shaped by societal and cultural norms—from the garage hangout spot in his parent's house to the correctional facility he was in, we learn some of the influences and behaviors that shaped toxic masculinity in Mannie’s life.
Breaking masculine stereotypes, Mannie gets vulnerable with us on the Thoughtful Human Podcast and describes his feelings in the face of a life sentence and how they conflicted with his sense of self and his role in his community. He walks us through his educational journey and dives deeper into the broader systems of Justice, the difference between punitive, restorative, and transformative models, and what real accountability, safety, and healing look like. We also talk more explicitly about toxic masculinity, his role and women's issues and sexual assault, how men participate in and perpetuate rape culture, and what genuine allyship and empowerment look like. Please take this into consideration and only read or listen to the episode if you have the capacity for these topics.
1. The ability to fight is an equalizer
Mannie reflects on the emotional and even physical scars of racism directed at him at the young age of four. Even though Mannie did not understand the severity of racism he endured at a young age, Mannie knew how inappropriate being called “little black Sambo” and having a Hot Wheel thrown at him, leaving a scar above his eye. He questioned himself growing up and overcompensated with violence to deal with these unresolved feelings.
“I really had to question whether or not who I was as an individual was enough, whether that be because of my parents, or whatever, so I found some maladaptive ways as a man to deal with that” and “I realized really quickly my ability to fight was an equalizer. And because I could, the differences of the things that didn’t add up about me didn’t matter anymore”.
2. Physicality is valued by athletic performance
Many of us played sports growing up; it can be a healthy activity for kids of any gender. Still, out of all the extracurricular activities, young boys especially are impressed to play sports and the more physical ones at that. Placing this pressure and praising young boys in sports reinforces the importance of physicality over emotions for men, their identities, and their ability to gain love and respect. Mannie mentions how this was one of the only ways he received love from his father growing up and even appreciation from his peers when he excelled at sports.
“So like I played sports my entire life and I don't think my dad ever missed one sporting event. He was there, always, but there was always a part of me that wished when I was younger that I could take certain emotional things to him that you know manhood and the way that we viewed manhood just didn't allow me to. So I think that those are some of the lessons I learned early on that really put me in a position to not be my full-emotional self, which of course much later became an issue.”
3. Quantity over quality when it came to women
When asked what some of the messages about manhood he received from his older brother, Mannie rattled off a few things that are all traits of toxic masculinity and perpetuate rape culture, especially regarding the treatment of women. From “make sure that you are always the most dominant one in the room or getting what you want when it comes to girls”. This was the boys-will-be-boys attitude at its finest.
“When it came to girls, it was more like quantity and meant more than quality. And they were seen as an extension of him as opposed to their own…you know, they weren't respected as, as people really, it was one of these things that it was a status symbol type of thing.”
When we evaluate humans to a math equation, it becomes more about the facts and less about emotions. Rational vs. emotional is a founding block on which the patriarchy is built. However, this idea is far more than men disregarding their feelings in the matter, it erases all feelings and humanness of women who are involved.
4. To provide, protect, and punish
This is the motto of fatherhood and has been passed down from fathers to sons for centuries. Men are made to feel inferior if they don’t live up to this motto and usually express that insecurity through violence. While reflecting on his father, Mannie mentioned how this was the way he could show up for him, “the way masculinity told him to”. Each one of these actions perpetuates violence in some sort of manner. Mannie alludes to how this was a script and language for men and fathers, and there was no room for emotions in this language growing up. This language, or lack thereof, has led to centuries of passed-down ancestral, emotional trauma for everyone.
“I didn't have the language to express complex emotions to deal with complex issues and because of that there was a whole aspect of myself it was not allowed to grow and you know that eventually led to substance abuse problems of course like maintaining make meaningful relationship relationships in my life was difficult because I didn’t know how to maintain a relationship with myself. And eventually, I mean ultimately it ended up me committing a terrible crime where people were harmed and I was sentenced to spending the rest of my life in prison. That was ultimately the culmination of my decisions. It wasn’t one decision, it was a pattern that I had been on for a very long time.”
5. Anger is often the only emotion men feel comfortable feeling
Emotions are constantly connected with being weak within toxic masculinity, except for anger, it is often the most commonly accepted emotion that people are comfortable with and expressing. Anger comes from a place of fear — fear of not being good enough or fitting into the typical stereotypes of toxic masculinity. Mannie describes violence as a language around emotions because he didn’t feel like there was any other way.
“I didn’t have the language to express complex emotions to deal with complex issues and because of that there was a whole aspect of myself it was not allowed to grow…Violence became my, not even necessarily a fallback, it became the way in which I dealt with situations. And it wasn’t the way I dealt with just problems, or whatever, it showed up anytime that I felt less than, or insecure, or uncomfortable. I mean ultimately it ended up me committing a terrible crime where people were harmed and I was sentenced to spending the rest of my life in prison.”
6. It’s all about control
Often times a lot of toxic masculinity is about control. Violence, and causing harm is a pathway to gaining a sense of control within toxic masculinity. However, Mannie started reflecting on control and bringing it into his life in a different way.
“I would say the AHA, where everything shifted was when I shifted my paradigm to say, Okay, let's, let's concentrate on what you can control. So I couldn't control whether or not I was gonna get out of prison. I couldn't control whether or not there will be terrible things that happened while I was in prison, those were things that were beyond me.
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